''Twas the Night  Before...

This is a different Christmas for my family. While I am truly enjoying my visit in Thailand with Joseph and his family, I can't help but remember our past Christmases together as a family. I must admit there is an emptiness, a missing part this year that doesn't go away. But on the other hand, God's peace and yes, even joy abounds in my heart. As I hear the Christmas carols being sung and see all the Facebook posts about Christmas, I think I am more focused this year on what Christmas is supposed to be about instead of the rush and craziness of typical holidays in the past. 

I have come to realize it is ok to do things differently. Different helps you to prioritize things and focus on the important aspects like time with family.  Sitting and laughing at silliness until you have tears and your side hurts, just to stop laughing, only to look at each other and begin again. Sharing stories of times past and remembering what it was like to be a kid again. 

So as I lay here listening to the soft snores and teeth grinding of my grand babies I am overwhelmed by the love, peace and joy God has gifted me with. Being able to Skype and FaceTime with Michael, Kali, Brian and Michelle and the rest of my family is such an amazing gift that brings us closer together even though we are thousands of miles apart.

The stockings are filled and Santa has made his appearance leaving the special requested gifts and eating his cookies and milk. The excitement in the children's eyes in the morning will be uncontainable. But all that pales in comparison to the excitement of the news of our Savior's birth that was shared oh so many years ago by the angels and shepherds. Someone said to me a couple of weeks ago, "I know this is your first Christmas without David, but just think, this is his first Christmas with the King". That is an awesome thought and more than my mind can comprehend.  He is celebrating with the Savior in heaven this Christmas. How cool is that!

So I wish you and yours the very merriest of Christmases and that you will be filled with the peace, love and joy that only Jesus can give. 

CHOOSE JOY

Though the fig tree may not blossom, 

Nor fruit be on the vines;

Though the labor of the olive may fail,

And the fields yield no food;

Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,

And there be no herd in the stalls-

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

I will joy in the God of my salvation.

The Lord God is my strength;

He will make my feet like deer's feet, 

And He will make me walk on my high hills.

Habakkuk 3:18

Today marks another milestone.  Nine months have gone by since David's passing.  There have been many long nights of loneliness, but praise be to God, there have been many more precious moments of peace and healing.  And I feel an excitement and a ball of joy brewing inside of me that can only be described as the joy of the Lord.  In two days, I will retire from my job I have worked at for 21 years.  God has lead me to this place at this time for such a time as this.  

I feel that at times over the past nine months, there have been no blossoms in my life and I have been cut off from the fold.  But I have had a peace that passes all understanding.  God has been my strength and my salvation and I feel like I am about to walk on my high hills.  I don't know what those high hills are going to be, but I know that God has brought me to this place for a purpose and I can't wait to see where it leads.  

The boys and I made a decision that this year I will not be spending Christmas at home.  I will be leaving Monday for Thailand and will be spending some time with Joseph and his family.  I am excited about that and can't wait to see what that adventure holds.  Christmas will be different for all of us this year and maybe not being at home will be the easiest thing for us.  I am not sure, but it is the decision we have made and we are happy with that decision and that's all that matters.

I will be sure to keep you posted on my adventures and update you on where God is leading me next.  I know He has a plan for me and I pray I will be faithful to hear and follow His leading and will for my life.  I told someone the other day, we all face trouble at some point in our lives and every day we have a choice to make as to what our attitude is going to be.  I pray that no matter what adversity I face that with God's grace and mercy, I will continue to choose joy.  And that is my prayer for you as well.  God bless you all and Merry Christmas!

THANKSGIVING

It's almost Thanksgiving.  Michael and Brian are coming home.  This is the first time Michael's been home since.  I know things are different.  I have had almost nine months to process the difference with you gone, they have not.  They have not experienced coming through the door and not hearing the TV downstairs, or not embracing the aroma of Daddy being home.  They have experienced their own difference and sense of loss, but it will be fresh and new during these days.  I am praying so hard for comfort for them and peace and for wisdom and strength on my behalf to help them get through this.  We have so much to be thankful for even in this season of loss and that is what I so want to focus on.

Just when I think I have everything under control, I am reminded I do not.  But I know Who does, and He has never let me down yet.  God's word tells me in 2 Corinthians 12:9 

"'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' 

 Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, 

that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I am so thankful for the grace of God in my life and that when I am weak, He is strong, and He is able to work in and through me.  He has blessed us with health, we have homes, jobs, cars, friends, freedom to worship, everything we need and most of what we want.  Even in loss, I have learned that I have so much to be thankful for.  People ask me if I would bring David back if I could and I can in all honesty say "No, I would not."  He is where God needs him to be and I pray I am where God needs me to be, or at least I am getting there.  So, during this season of Thanksgiving, love your family a little more.  Hug them a little tighter.  Tell them one more time how much they mean to you. Tell them how much God loves them.  Pray for them, and pray for us.  God bless you all.  

In His love, Pam.

I BROUGHT YOU FLOWERS TODAY

I admit, today was a struggle.  I had no idea just how very difficult it would be.  I had it all planned out.  I would go to work, get through the day and then go spend some quiet time at the cemetery.  Because, how could I let this day pass without acknowledging it in some way?  Without this day, I wouldn't have my three boys.  I have no idea who I would have become without you in my life.  You, who taught me to be independent, to follow my dreams.  You, who always brought me flowers, even when we couldn't afford it.  You who treated me like a queen and showed our boys the importance of respecting, valuing, loving and cherishing a wife, a soulmate.

But you know what, this quiet day I had planned didn't quite end up the way I had planned.  Your boys, our sons, had other plans.  A box of chocolate covered strawberries delivered to the office was the beginning of my undoing.  With love, from my boys.  I am sure I probably frightened everyone in the office to death because once the tears started, they seemed to leak out all day.  My cup was truly running over and leaking out my eyes.  Then a phone call from the courthouse checkpoint.  "Ms. York?  You have a delivery out here."  Ok.  And there was the most beautiful vase of flowers I could ever imagine.  This time, the note read:

                         

                      "We know that today is difficult for you but we are so thankful for the 37

                     years of marriage that the Lord blessed you with as an example to us and 

                        so many others.  We love you!  Your Boys"

They were watching all those years.   They were learning, and they are respecting, valuing, loving and cherishing me in your place.  Thank you for passing that on to them.

So, I brought you flowers today to acknowledge the importance of the last 37 years of my life, of our lives together.  I know you won't know it, you won't see them, but whoever passes by will know that someone cared enough to bring you flowers.  Today has been by far the most difficult day of the past seven months.  This was "our" day.  As I sat in the cold wind reflecting on our life together I couldn't help but realize even on the darkest, hardest of days, there is hope for a bright tomorrow.  There is hope for healing and restoration.  Isaiah 35 is a chapter about the hope for restoration for the people of Israel who felt they had no hope, and these verses have given me hope for the ongoing restoration in my life.

             1. Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days.  The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses.

             2. Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy!  The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon.  There the Lord will display His glory, the splendor of our God.

            3. With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands, and encourage those who have weak knees.

             4. Say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, and do not fear, for your God is coming to destroy your enemies.  He is coming to save you.'

              5. And when He comes, He will open the eyes of the blind and unplug the ears of the deaf.

              6. The lame will leap like deer, and those who cannot speak will sing for joy!  Springs will gush forth in the wilderness, and streams will water the wasteland.

              7. The parched ground will become a pool, and springs of water will satisfy the thirsty land. Marsh grass and reeds and rushes will flourish where desert jackals once lived.

              8. And a great road will go through that once deserted land.  It will be named the Highway of Holiness.  Evil-minded people will never travel on it.  It will be only for those who walk in God's ways; fools will never walk there.

             9.  Lions will not lurk along its course, nor any other ferocious beasts.  There will be no other dangers.  Only the redeemed will walk on it.

            10. Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return.  They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting joy.  Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness.   Isaiah 35, NLT

So, I brought you flowers today to acknowledge not only our life together, but that I know sorrow and mourning will disappear and I can and will be filled with joy and gladness.  I know this because 

     "Doesn't matter what I feel, doesn't matter what I see.  My hope will always be in

      Your promises to me.  Now I'm casting out all fear, for Your love has set me free.

  My hope will always be in Your promises to me."  Promises - Elevation Worship

And God never breaks a promise.

              

MILESTONES

     "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you.  He will not leave you nor forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6

As I think back in my life to all the milestones, good and bad, there is one constant, God has never left me nor forsaken me.  And, in my lifetime there have been many, many milestones.  We all have experienced many of the same ones.  First steps, first words, first day of school, first loves, first dates, and the list goes on and on.  

As I look back on my life and ponder over the many times God has saved me from something unfortunate, and sometimes not to my liking, I now see he was saving me for something greater.  For instance, we moved when I was a Junior in high school from the only place I had ever lived to a foreign land known as Alabama.  But I know now he had greater plans for me and that move eventually led me to meet the love of my life who I would spend over 38 years with and who would give me three of the most precious, most honorable sons a mother could have.  God was with me through all of that.

Joseph and his family continue to serve God in Thailand and Makaila and Joshua are now in 2nd grade and Kindergarten.  Michael is still in Virginia and Kali started Pre-K today.  Where has the time gone?   My baby boy, Brian married the love of his life, Michelle in May and I know God has ordained their paths and has great plans for them.  

This year has had many more milestones.  The love of my life passed on to glory six months ago.  That seems so long ago, but yet just like yesterday.  I never imagined having to experience the loss of my other half, especially not at this time in my life.  But God has not forsaken me and I believe and know in my heart of hearts that He will never leave me.  He goes with me and has great things in store for me.  Just what, I do not know.  

Since before David's passing, I have been contemplating the thought of retirement.  After 21 years, I have decided that is what God is leading me to do.  I know to many, this does not make sense.  Financially, on paper, it does not make sense to me, and when I told God it didn't make sense and I couldn't make it financially at this time, He asked me, "Are you trusting in your ability to make it, or in mine to see you through?"  Now some may think that it is silly to think that God spoke to me in this manner, but when you seek Him and His will, He will reveal it to you in His own way.  And as I looked back on all the times He has seen me through good and bad times, I have to know and trust Him that He will see me through this. 

So, as of December 9, 2016, I will be a retiree.  Someone asked me what I am going to do when I retire, and my answer was and is, "I don't know, God hasn't told me that yet, but He has told me it is time."  And believe me, since I have made that decision public, there have been several trials and tests placed before me, but my response is, I will not fear, for the Lord my God goes with me and I will forever praise Him.

PSALM 30

I will extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up

and have not let my foes rejoice over me.

O Lord my God, I cried out to You, 

and You healed me.

O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave;

You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of His,

and give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.

For His anger is but for a moment,

His favor is for life;

Weeping may endure for a night,

BUT JOY COMES IN THE MORNING!

Now in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved.

Lord, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong;

You hid Your face, and I was troubled.

I cried out to You, O Lord;

and to the Lord I made supplication;

What profit is there in my blood,

when I go down to the pit?

Will the dust praise You?

Will it declare Your truth?

Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me;

Lord, be my helper!

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness.

To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.

O Lord, my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Unsettled

Today marks 5 months since David's passing and I feel as unsettled now as I ever have.  There are still so many questions rolling repeatedly through my mind.  What am I going to do with the rest of my life?  How am I going to survive financially?  How am I going to survive alone?  And that is the hardest question of all to admit to.  Yes, I have family who loves me, but the loneliness in the still of the night, in the quiet of the morning forever haunts me.  This is a hard thing to admit, because I have always been the strong one, the self sufficient one, the survivor.  But if I am being completely honest, I am scared to death of what my future holds.  I am on the cusp of making some major decisions regarding my future, and the one thought I continue to have is, "If I believe God is leading me in one direction and I say I can't do it, am I trusting in me, or in Him?"  And I come back to the realization, that he holds my future and I need to trust Him.

In the midst of all these questions, the one thing that comforts my unsettledness and brings me peace is my Savior, Jesus Christ.  If God can tell the ocean exactly where to stop on the beach and can count the grains of sand, surely he knows of my unsettledness.  Zephaniah 3:17 says:

     "The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save;  He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

It is His love that quiets my unsettled spirit, that brings me peace and comforts me in my loneliness.  In Him will I trust.  In Him I will not fear.  And to know that He is singing over me, overwhelms my soul and causes me to rejoice in Him for His care, His faithfulness and His unfailing love.

HOPE

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13

As this journey the Lord has me on continues down its ever changing path, one thing remains constant and that is my hope in the Lord.  I can rest assured knowing that no matter what is going on in my life, God is my constant hope and peace.  I am confronted almost daily with new questions and or challenges.

Such as, how do I address important days and holidays without the one who has been a constant companion for 39 years?  Do I acknowledge his birthday, or just go on as if it is another day?  I know I will not celebrate with cake and presents as was our custom, but what do I do?  Nothing?  Go to the cemetery and leave a flower?  Be with other family members who are also wondering what to do on this day?  Retreat to my house and vegetate for the night?  I don't know.

And what to do when that anniversary comes around?  What about Thanksgiving and Christmas?  Do I stay home or go away so I won't be reminded of the emptiness and differentness that is there?  How do you keep on holding your head up when your heart is breaking?  How do you deal with the sudden outpouring of tears that come on a moment's notice over the slightest nothing?

These are all questions that go through my head constantly.  I have read about grief and it all seems normal, but there is no step by step guideline that tells you how to address these issues.  I have determined the reason is that there is no set answer.  Everyone's circumstances are different and everyone handles grief in a different way.  Just because someone is not curled up in a fetal position crying daily doesn't mean they aren't hurting or that they aren't lonely. But I can tell you from first hand experience, they are hurting and they are lonely.  You can't lose such a big part of your life without there being an emptiness there and a hurt.  

I don't have all the answers, but I do know that I can't wait for the storm to pass, because I might be waiting forever these days.  So, I guess I will have to learn to dance in the rain and rest in His hope and peace.

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.  Zephaniah 3:17

Holes

Have you ever tried to fix a hole?  If you have a hole in your sock, you may darn it.  But the sock never quite feels the same again.  There is always a rough spot that rubs the wrong way.  Then there may be a hole in your sheetrock.  You get a patch kit and try to patch it.  No matter how good you are at patching sheetrock, under close scrutiny, the patch can be detected.  It will never be exactly the same.  A roofer may try to patch a hole in a roof, but try as he might, he will never be able to get an exact match in the shingles, because the ones left behind are worn and faded while the replacement  shingles are fresh and new.

How about a hole in your heart?  I have heard of surgeons who have been able to patch holes in people's hearts, but that's not the kind of hole I am referring to.  When someone you love dies, there is a hole left in your heart that can't be repaired.  No surgeon can fix it, nothing seems to fill it up and put it back like it was.  The hole from losing a parent is a different shape than the hole from losing a child or a spouse.  No two holes are the same.

Three months ago, a hole gaped open in my heart and no matter how strong I try to be, no matter how brave a front I put up, the fact of the matter is, it hurts.  Oh dear God, how it hurts.  I am being real here because I want to encourage others on this journey.  This is not easy for me to admit, because by doing so, I am recognizing my frailty.  I have always been the strong one, the one who holds it together, the one who perseveres.  But you need to know that none of my strength or perseverance can be accounted to me.  It is only because of Christ in me that I have the strength to go on.  You see, the only thing that can fill the emptiness inside is my heavenly Father, Abba God.

     O my God, my soul is cast down within me

     Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan,

     And from the heights of Hermon, from the Hill Mizar,

     Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;

     All your waves and billows have gone over me.

     The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime

     And in the night His song shall be with me--

     A prayer to the God of my life.

     I will say to God my Rock

     "Why have You forgotten me?  Why do I go mourning

     because of the oppression of the enemy?"

     As with a breaking of my bones, my enemies reproach me,

     While they say to me all day long,

     "Where is your God?"

     Why are you cast don, O my soul?

     And why are you disquieted within me?

     Hope in God; for I shall yet praise Him,

     The help of my countenance and my God.  Psalm 42:6-11

When I am overcome with sadness, I have to say, His lovingkindness and His songs are what bring me comfort.  He is my hope and I will praise Him, even in my grief.  He is the help of my countenance and I will do my best to hold my head high, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.  With His help, I will continue to persevere.  For without Him, I would be hopeless and would surely fail.  If you are going through a similar journey, place your hope and trust in Him.  Give Him your heart, because only He can bring healing.  

In His love,  Pam

Not Separated Since Birth: I Will Trust

Not Separated Since Birth: I Will Trust

I Will Trust

Hear my cry, O God;

Attend to my prayer.  

From the end of the earth I will cry to You,

When my heart is overwhelmed; 

Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

For You have been a shelter for me,

A strong tower from the enemy.

I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;

I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.   Selah.

Psalm 61:1-4

I have been thinking a lot lately about grief, how people going through grief react and how we respond to those going through grief.  Well meaning people may say something like "I know what you are going through, I lost my mother.", or "I have been where you are, I lost my spouse."  While those thoughts of condolence are greatly appreciated, the fact of the matter is we can't truly know what the other person is going through. We may have in common the fact that someone dear to us has passed away, but we don't know the depth of the loss because we don't really know the depth of the role they played while they were living. 

Today I heard of a tragic accident that took the life of a precious three year old child. By all accounts, this was a Christian family who loves and serves the Lord.  As I tried to wrap my head around the immense grief, guilt and loss this family must be feeling, I realized I cannot fathom it.  Yes, I too, grieve and have an empty place in my heart since David's passing, but I cannot even begin to  compare it to the loss of this precious child.  I can't comprehend, but I do know the God who comforts me and gives me peace is big enough and loving enough to comfort this family also.

I have also come to realize that everyone grieves in a different way.  I have read accounts of people who sink to such depths of depression that they become practically bedridden with grief. Others become angry, cry out to God asking "Why?"  Others may go on with life as if nothing has happened.  I found myself questioning why I was or wasn't experiencing certain feelings and wondering if I was processing things properly or if I am living in denial.  That's when I realized there are no rules to grieving. There are no cookie cutter ways of dealing with the emptiness in your life. One day I may be fine and believe I am going to get through this. The next day, it may take every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other and go forward with my day. I may be laughing one minute and crying the next.  You might find me talking to myself trying to remember how to do a simple task or tripping over my own two feet.  Some days, I have no words and other days, I can't seem to stop talking.  

I have a few small hints that may help you if you don't know how to respond to someone going through grief.  These are my thoughts and opinions and others may totally disagree with me, but that's OK.

     1.  Don't be afraid to ask how I am doing, but if you don't want to know, don't ask. You may catch me on a day when my filters aren't working and I may tell you.  If you are asking to be polite, perhaps a better thing would be to say you are thinking about me or praying for me.  

     2.  It's OK to ask me to your events, but if I say no, it doesn't mean I am becoming a recluse. I just may not feel up to it, or I may have other plans. But don't give up on me. I will come around and join you when I can.

     3.  Don't say "Call me anytime if you need to talk." if you don't mean anytime.  What if I can't sleep and it's 11:00 pm and I want to, need to talk.  What if I wake up at 2:00 am scared and lonely and just need to hear a human voice?  Does anytime really mean anytime?

     4.  Realize I am having to make decisions based on a whole new reality and sometimes I am so overwhelmed, I can't make decisions. My mind just doesn't process information like it used to. I may need several opinions before I can figure things out for myself, but I will eventually get there.  

     5.  I am independent and stubborn enough to want to do things for myself.  So, if I ask for help, understand it is because I really need the help and it took a lot for me to ask.  But, if you can't help with my need, please say so, I will understand and go to plan "B".

In all this rambling, what I want to say more than anything, is that no matter how I am feeling, I will trust in Thee.  I want to live my life in such a way that God's light will shine through, even in the midst of my darkest days.  I realize that I cannot do this on my own, and to think that the fact that I am getting through these days is because of anything I have done is vanity on my part.  My prayer is that God will lead me to the Rock that is higher than I, because without Him, I am nothing and can do nothing.  To know that no matter what I am facing, or how I am feeling that I can rest in the shelter of His wings brings me a comfort I cannot describe and that peace that truly passes all understanding.  I pray that somehow, you will find comfort in these feeble words of mine or at least a glimpse into my new reality.  

Not Separated Since Birth

Not Separated Since Birth

I AM STILL ME

March 7, 2016 rocked my world and changed my life forever.  For the past 39 years I have been a part of an "us".  Now, after David's passing, there is just me.  There is no way to prepare for that, and since it occurred so unexpectedly, I feel as if I've been ripped in half, but I am still me.  There was "us" almost twice as long as there was just me.  Daughter, sister, wife, mother, grandmother, but no longer a wife.  Does that change who I am?  Single, widow, alone.  New labels, but do they change my identity?  No they do not.  My true identity is found in Christ.  

       "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no loner I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me"  Galatians 2:20

All other identifiers are temporary, only my identity as a child of God is eternal.

When I got married, I changed from being single to being married, but it didn't change who I was.  When I became a mother and a grandmother, my roles changed, but not the essence of me.  Becoming a widow means I am single again, but I am still me.  Widow, single again, alone.  Those are all such sad words and they change the way people look at you and treat you.  I went into the bank the other day to have David's name removed from the bank account and the banker greeted me warmly and asked how I was and what could she do for me.  But, her entire demeanor changed when I explained why I was there.  The pity started to pour forth.  I thanked her for her condolences and told her I was doing ok and that God's grace was seeing me through.  It was as if she couldn't quit asking me questions, from how did it happen, had he been sick, to did I need help with estate planning.  Sometimes I think if one more person asks me how did it happen, was he sick, etc., I might scream.  It seems as if I have repeated the story so many times that I think I have become numb to it.  But, then there was that still, small voice.  "Tell your story.  Tell My story."  Because Christ is in me, His story is my story and my story is a part of His story.  So as I shared my story of God's grace, goodness and mercy over the past 6 weeks, she became engrossed in my story.  She ended up saying, "Wow, you came in here to take care of some business and I have been so blessed by getting to speak with you."  She then said, "I don't know if I could go through what you are going through with such strength, but you know, I guess I could because we serve the same God."

So, even though my label has changed from wife to widow, married to single, together to alone, please don't pity me.  Love me, be patient with me, offer comfort when I am down, but don't pity me. People are placed in our lives to fill different roles and spaces, but they don't define us, who we are.  I still love to take pictures, take walks in the park, brag about my boys and grand kids, watch sappy Hallmark movies, listen to Christian music and eat chocolate (and not necessarily in that order!).  I am still me, I just no longer get to share those things with the other half of me.  BUT, I have a heavenly Father who loves me with an unfailing love.  He is a good, good Father who loves me and that is who I am.