MY HIGH HILLS

One year, twelve months, fifty two weeks, three hundred sixty five days.  One year ago today, my husband passed away.  It is hard to believe I have spent an entire year without him.  I went back and read my blogs from the past year and is is apparent to me that the only reason I have made it through this journey is because of the grace of God.

So much has changed, but God has remained faithful  The tears don't come as quickly or as often.  But then there are those "land mines" as my sister calls them.  Times when your day is going along and out of the blue a memory, a thought or emotion blows up in your face and you lose it.  Some people call them ambushes.  Regardless of what you call them, they are real.  It is easier to fall asleep at night, although the timer on the TV has become my best friend.  I no longer have to have it on all night, so I am making progress.  

I find myself feeling guilty sometimes, wondering if I have grieved appropriately because I seem to have such peace in my life.  I know it is only with God's help that I have come this far.  But the "experts" say there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  For me, I seemed to have immediately jumped to the acceptance phase and I couldn't figure out why.  A few months ago, I realized that I began grieving years ago when mental illness started to take away the David I fell in love with and married.  I have spent the better part of 15-20 years going through each stage of grief at various times during our journey.

And then, just recently, I came across an article that gave my journey through grief a name.  It is called ambiguous or unconventional grief.  This is when you grieve over the loss of someone who is still alive, but the essence of who they were slowly dies.  This can be caused by addiction,  Alzheimer's disease, dementia, mental illness, etc.  I believe God gave me that article to read to help me get past any guilt I was having for imagining I wasn't grieving properly.  And then I was reminded of the story of King David grieving over his sick child in 2 Samuel 12:15-23.  David's son became ill.  David pleaded with God to heal his son.  He fasted, prayed and spent the nights lying on the floor.  He would not get up even when the elders came to his house begging him to get up and eat.  After seven days, the child died.  David's servants were afraid to tell him the news because they knew how distraught he had been over the child's illness and they were afraid of what he might do once he found out the child had died.  But, once David realized the child had died, "he got up from the ground.  After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped."  He then went back home and his servants were confused by his behavior.  they asked him, "Why are you acting this way?  While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!"  David's reply resounds with my soul on so many levels.  He said, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept.  I thought, 'Who knows?  The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.'  But now that he is dead, why should I fast?  Can I bring him back again?  I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

Again, God affirmed me through His Word.  All those years I prayed for healing for David, that he could have relief from the illness that tormented him daily.  And on March 7, 2016, God answered my prayers and granted David the ultimate healing.  When I think of the fact that he is no longer suffering and is rejoicing with the angels in heaven, how can I be sad?

Do I still miss him?  Absolutely.  Do i still grieve over his passing?  Yes.  But I no longer feel guilty for immediately being in the acceptance phase of grief.  I cling to God's Word and his promises.  Habakkuk 3:18-19 are some of my favorites.

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

I will joy in the God of my salvation.

The Lord God is my strength;

He will make my feet like deer's feet,

And He will make me walk on my high hills.

I rejoice in my high hills for God is faithful and keeps His promises.  My prayer is that if you are reading this, you will be blessed and comforted today.

In His love,  Pam