I Got Lost and Found Home

After much prayer and consideration, I have decided to sell my home.  For the past thirteen years, this place has been my safe haven, my refuge.  God led me to this house and worked out unbelievable circumstances to allow us to buy my dream house.  We saw one son move to the other side of the world a single young man and return with his bride.  We sent another son to Virginia to school and he remains there still.  The third son finished college, moved out got married and moved to Florida.  We have welcomed new life into this house when Makaila was born and said good-bye to a life when David went home to be with the Lord.  We've welcomed visitors from around the world and of all ages.  We celebrated holidays and birthdays here.  We had many good days, and some not so good.  But through all of the days, God has been faithful.

Now in a way that cannot be explained in any other way than God's leading, I have found a new place to call home.  Over the past few months there has been a stirring in my life that led me to dream a new dream.  I had never even considered the possibility of a change this drastic.  Since David's passing, I have spent much blood, sweat and tears (along with help from my boys and others) fixing and updating things that needed it.  And just when I got everything nearly like I want, God tells me it's time to sell it and move.  At first I wasn't sure at all that I could make this work, but with the boy's encouragement and nudging, I decided to take the leap of faith and put my home on the market.

So, where am I going, you may ask?  Well that is the miracle of miracles.  God has worked out an amazing set of circumstances that has made it possible for me to be a land owner with the ability to build a new house of my dreams.  There were many steps that had to fall into place and each one occurred at just the perfect time.  So with Detective York (Joseph) on the case in Thailand, the land search began.  He would send me messages about property for sale that I should preview before I got my realtor to schedule an appointment.  One evening, he sent a message about a possible property and we were looking at it online.  We decided I would ride out the next day to look at it.  He was trying to tell me the best way to go while I was looking it up on Google Maps.  I kept telling him Siri was telling me a different way to go, but he said the way he was telling me was the best route.  

Of course, after a night's sleep, that memory was no longer in the memory bank so I did what any normal person would do, I asked Siri how to get there.  Joseph had told me to FaceTime with him when I arrived so he could look at the property.  It was an incredibly beautiful morning with North Carolina blue beach skies containing fluffy, white clouds.  With praise music playing, Siri and I went for our drive.  After many turns, many seeming to go back and forth in the same direction, I ended up at a dead end and Siri announced "You have arrived at your destination."  I actually said out loud, what destination?  I am at a dead end with no property in sight.  I connected with Joseph in Thailand and promptly told him that I was lost and had no idea where I was or how to get where I was supposed to be going.  He asked if I had followed his directions, and I had to admit I forgot what he said so I went where Siri told me to go.  He immediately pulled up the map and told me to turn around and was about to give me the correct directions.  As I turned around I told him that I had seen a for sale sign as I drove to this dead end and I wasn't for sure if there was a house on the property but perhaps he could check it out.  He asked me to pull in, tell him the address and let him look it up.

In what seemed like just a few seconds, he asked for the phone number on the sign and told me to stay where I was that he was going to call the number and get some more information.  So, there I sat in the driveway praying no one would walk up on me with a shotgun.  After what seemed like an eternity, he called back and told me the property was vacant and I could go walk it.  I told him the gate was locked and he said the real estate agent said I could crawl under it.  So with Joseph on FaceTime in Thailand, I locked the car, crawled under the gate and started walking up the drive.  The farther I walked, the more emotional I became.  I remember telling him that I thought I might cry.  I was looking at a beautiful rolling pastureland before me and had chills running through me.  I knew in my heart of hearts that I was home.  And God again worked as only He could to allow the purchase of my new home.

"The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything.  And He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward Him and find Him."  Acts 17:24-27 ESV.

I do not know when I will start the building process, but God does.  My prayer is for the family that will find their new home in this place I have called home for so long.  I know that He will lead them to find it, just as He led me all those years ago and as he has led me to my new boundaries.  Following God where He leads can be scary and more often than not requires you to step out of your comfort zone.  And to know that He has already determined our allotted times and boundaries of our dwelling places is so exciting because even though I have no idea how it is all going to work out, I know He does.  I told Brian today that I feel an excitement stirring in my soul, a new life with a new dream is beginning to awaken within me.  This amazing journey of life God is leading me on is one I could never have imagined.  And just think, if I hadn't got lost, I wouldn't have found home.  Isn't God good?  Even when you think things are going the wrong way, He shows you His best in the midst of what you believe to be your worst.  

May God richly bless you all in your journey.  I pray that if you haven't found Him that you will seek Him, for He is there.

In His love,

Pam

SUPERMAN

My dad has an uncurable disease.  It has a name, myelodysplastic syndrome, or MDS.  He was diagnosed in March.  It is a bone marrow disease in which the bone marrow does not make enough or healthy blood cells. Since the end of March he has had 8 blood transfusions.  His health has continued to deteriorate and the realization of his situation is beginning to become a reality.  This is not a post for pity, but a post to educate people, to let people know about my daddy and who he is to me and so many others.

Ever since I can remember, people have said I have my dad wrapped around my little finger.  He may not have been the most eloquent with his words or demonstrative in his affection, but I have never doubted his love and care for me.  He has always done his best to give all of us what we needed and most of what we wanted.  He worked hard to provide for his family and being unable to do the things he has been used to doing has been hard for him to accept.  He is not perfect by any means, but no one can deny the fact that he has worked hard all his life.  He has been a proud man and this debilitating disease has taken a huge toll on him and those of us close to him.

After experiencing the sudden death of my husband, David almost 17 months ago, I can say watching my dad's health decline is harder than going through the sudden loss of my soulmate.  When you deal with the long term illness of a loved one, it takes a toll on you mentally and physically.  Seeing someone who has always taken pride in his appearance suddenly have no care for his incontinence is a very difficult thing to deal with.  and is heartbreaking, to say the least.  Having to try to explain to your father that there is no cure for this illness while trying to remain positive is a challenge.  Trying to keep his spirits up while not showing impatience is sometimes nearly impossible.  Trying to encourage him to be kind when he feels angry and anxiety ridden is incredibley hard.  Trying to parent your ailing parent while trying to maintain his dignity is beyond imagination.

So, I find myself crying out to God, and the words are not there.  My heart cries and I know God hears and understands.  He understands that if I ask for healing of this disease, dad will still be trapped in his failing mind.  I know and believe that God can heal all of dad's illnesses if He so wills, but I also know that perfect healing will only come when dad gets to heaven, for none of us have perfect bodies here on earth.  I know that God understands my heartbreak in watching the suffering of dad and my mom as she goes through this with him.  I know that God hears and understands my dad's confusion and anxiety.  So I pray for peace during this time and that God will be with all who are caring for dad in these days.  I pray that we will all have a spirit of compassion and understanding for all he is going through.

Even in all this suffering, I still choose to Praise the Lord!  Psalm 146 says:
   

    Let all that I am praise the Lord.

I will praise the Lord as long as I live.

I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath.

Don't put your confidence in powerful people;

there is no help for you there.

When they breathe their last, they return to earth,

and all their plans die with them.

But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper,

whose hope is in the Lord their God.

He made heaven and earth,

the sea, and everything in them.

He keeps every promise forever.

He gives justice to the oppressed and food to the hungry.

The Lord frees the prisoners. 

The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.

The Lord lifts up those who are weighted down.

The Lord loves the godly.

The Lord protects the foreigners among us.

He cares for the orphans and widows, 

but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.

The Lord will reign forever.

He will be your God, O Jerusalem,

throughout the generations.

Praise the Lord!

Knowing that God lifts up those who are weighted down gives me such hope.  I know that when I am feeling low and weighted down by the cares of this world, He will lift me up if I turn to Him.  And His word tells me here that He cares for the widows.  So, even when I feel alone and scared and unsure, I can praise Him, because He cares for me.

So in these jumbled up, confusing words of mine, I pray you have a picture of not only the kind of dad my dad is but also a picture of the kind of Abba Father my Heavenly Father is.  He is a good, good Father and He loves us beyond measure.  Please continue to pray for my dad and our family as we continue this journey and that through it all we will continue to Praise the Lord.

In His Love,

Pam

Even If

I am sure many of you have had many "Even If" crossroads in your life. I know I have.  Some may wonder what is an "Even If" moment?  Well, for me it's like a crossroad in life when you have asked God to deliver you from something and you have to decide how you will respond if God chooses not to answer in the way you want.

God, I need a job, but even if...
God, my kids need new shoes, but even if...
God, we are about to lose our house, help us save it, but even if...
God, take this illness from my husband, but even if...
God, protect my children and grandchildren and keep them safe, but even if...

Even if what?  Even if you don't I will still praise You..

Daniel chapter 3 tells the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. King Nebuchadnezzar had ordered everyone to bow down and worship the golden idol he had set up.  If they failed to obey, they would be thrown into a fiery furnace. Well the three young men believed in the One True God and refused to worship the golden idol.  When the king found out about the three young Hebrew men's refusal to obey his order he had them brought to him.  They had served him well and he wanted to make sure they understood the order before he punished them.

      "Nebuchadnezzar asked them, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, is it true that you don’t serve my gods or worship the gold statue I have set up? Now if you’re ready, when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, drum, and every kind of music, fall down and worship the statue I made. But if you don’t worship it, you will immediately be thrown into a furnace of blazing fire — and who is the god who can rescue you from my power?”
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied to the king, “Nebuchadnezzar, we don’t need to give you an answer to this question. If the God we serve exists, then He can rescue us from the furnace of blazing fire, and He can rescue us from the power of you, the king. But even if He does not rescue us, we want you as king to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.”"  Daniel 3:14-18

Those three young men had all faith in God that He would deliver them.  But even if He chose not to, they would not bow down to the golden idol. They would continue to serve and worship the One True God no matter what.  God has not always answered my prayers the way I wanted Him to but I had to make a conscious decision that even if things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, I would still worship Him.

There is a song that Mercy Me sings called "Even If".  The song spoke so clearly to me the first time I heard it. The chorus says:

      I know You're able and I know You can
      Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
      But even if You don't
      My hope is You alone
      I know the sorrow and I know the hurt
      Would all go away if You'd just say the word
      But even if You don't
      My hope is You alone.

      You've been faithful, You've been good
       All of my days
      Jesus, I will cling to You
      Come what may
      'Cause I know You're able
      I know you can...

Some days the sorrow and hurt of loss and loneliness sneak up and try to overwhelm me.  But every time I put my focus on Him, listen to praise and worship music, read His word, I am comforted.  He knows what is best for my life, and I will continue to trust Him, even when it isn't easy.  I have learned over the years when I get in the way and try to do things my way and in my time, they usually
get messed up.  So my prayers will continue to be, Even if...

In His Love,

Pam
   
   

MY HIGH HILLS

One year, twelve months, fifty two weeks, three hundred sixty five days.  One year ago today, my husband passed away.  It is hard to believe I have spent an entire year without him.  I went back and read my blogs from the past year and is is apparent to me that the only reason I have made it through this journey is because of the grace of God.

So much has changed, but God has remained faithful  The tears don't come as quickly or as often.  But then there are those "land mines" as my sister calls them.  Times when your day is going along and out of the blue a memory, a thought or emotion blows up in your face and you lose it.  Some people call them ambushes.  Regardless of what you call them, they are real.  It is easier to fall asleep at night, although the timer on the TV has become my best friend.  I no longer have to have it on all night, so I am making progress.  

I find myself feeling guilty sometimes, wondering if I have grieved appropriately because I seem to have such peace in my life.  I know it is only with God's help that I have come this far.  But the "experts" say there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  For me, I seemed to have immediately jumped to the acceptance phase and I couldn't figure out why.  A few months ago, I realized that I began grieving years ago when mental illness started to take away the David I fell in love with and married.  I have spent the better part of 15-20 years going through each stage of grief at various times during our journey.

And then, just recently, I came across an article that gave my journey through grief a name.  It is called ambiguous or unconventional grief.  This is when you grieve over the loss of someone who is still alive, but the essence of who they were slowly dies.  This can be caused by addiction,  Alzheimer's disease, dementia, mental illness, etc.  I believe God gave me that article to read to help me get past any guilt I was having for imagining I wasn't grieving properly.  And then I was reminded of the story of King David grieving over his sick child in 2 Samuel 12:15-23.  David's son became ill.  David pleaded with God to heal his son.  He fasted, prayed and spent the nights lying on the floor.  He would not get up even when the elders came to his house begging him to get up and eat.  After seven days, the child died.  David's servants were afraid to tell him the news because they knew how distraught he had been over the child's illness and they were afraid of what he might do once he found out the child had died.  But, once David realized the child had died, "he got up from the ground.  After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped."  He then went back home and his servants were confused by his behavior.  they asked him, "Why are you acting this way?  While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!"  David's reply resounds with my soul on so many levels.  He said, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept.  I thought, 'Who knows?  The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.'  But now that he is dead, why should I fast?  Can I bring him back again?  I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

Again, God affirmed me through His Word.  All those years I prayed for healing for David, that he could have relief from the illness that tormented him daily.  And on March 7, 2016, God answered my prayers and granted David the ultimate healing.  When I think of the fact that he is no longer suffering and is rejoicing with the angels in heaven, how can I be sad?

Do I still miss him?  Absolutely.  Do i still grieve over his passing?  Yes.  But I no longer feel guilty for immediately being in the acceptance phase of grief.  I cling to God's Word and his promises.  Habakkuk 3:18-19 are some of my favorites.

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

I will joy in the God of my salvation.

The Lord God is my strength;

He will make my feet like deer's feet,

And He will make me walk on my high hills.

I rejoice in my high hills for God is faithful and keeps His promises.  My prayer is that if you are reading this, you will be blessed and comforted today.

In His love,  Pam