Not Separated Since Birth: I Will Trust

Not Separated Since Birth: I Will Trust

I Will Trust

Hear my cry, O God;

Attend to my prayer.  

From the end of the earth I will cry to You,

When my heart is overwhelmed; 

Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

For You have been a shelter for me,

A strong tower from the enemy.

I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;

I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.   Selah.

Psalm 61:1-4

I have been thinking a lot lately about grief, how people going through grief react and how we respond to those going through grief.  Well meaning people may say something like "I know what you are going through, I lost my mother.", or "I have been where you are, I lost my spouse."  While those thoughts of condolence are greatly appreciated, the fact of the matter is we can't truly know what the other person is going through. We may have in common the fact that someone dear to us has passed away, but we don't know the depth of the loss because we don't really know the depth of the role they played while they were living. 

Today I heard of a tragic accident that took the life of a precious three year old child. By all accounts, this was a Christian family who loves and serves the Lord.  As I tried to wrap my head around the immense grief, guilt and loss this family must be feeling, I realized I cannot fathom it.  Yes, I too, grieve and have an empty place in my heart since David's passing, but I cannot even begin to  compare it to the loss of this precious child.  I can't comprehend, but I do know the God who comforts me and gives me peace is big enough and loving enough to comfort this family also.

I have also come to realize that everyone grieves in a different way.  I have read accounts of people who sink to such depths of depression that they become practically bedridden with grief. Others become angry, cry out to God asking "Why?"  Others may go on with life as if nothing has happened.  I found myself questioning why I was or wasn't experiencing certain feelings and wondering if I was processing things properly or if I am living in denial.  That's when I realized there are no rules to grieving. There are no cookie cutter ways of dealing with the emptiness in your life. One day I may be fine and believe I am going to get through this. The next day, it may take every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other and go forward with my day. I may be laughing one minute and crying the next.  You might find me talking to myself trying to remember how to do a simple task or tripping over my own two feet.  Some days, I have no words and other days, I can't seem to stop talking.  

I have a few small hints that may help you if you don't know how to respond to someone going through grief.  These are my thoughts and opinions and others may totally disagree with me, but that's OK.

     1.  Don't be afraid to ask how I am doing, but if you don't want to know, don't ask. You may catch me on a day when my filters aren't working and I may tell you.  If you are asking to be polite, perhaps a better thing would be to say you are thinking about me or praying for me.  

     2.  It's OK to ask me to your events, but if I say no, it doesn't mean I am becoming a recluse. I just may not feel up to it, or I may have other plans. But don't give up on me. I will come around and join you when I can.

     3.  Don't say "Call me anytime if you need to talk." if you don't mean anytime.  What if I can't sleep and it's 11:00 pm and I want to, need to talk.  What if I wake up at 2:00 am scared and lonely and just need to hear a human voice?  Does anytime really mean anytime?

     4.  Realize I am having to make decisions based on a whole new reality and sometimes I am so overwhelmed, I can't make decisions. My mind just doesn't process information like it used to. I may need several opinions before I can figure things out for myself, but I will eventually get there.  

     5.  I am independent and stubborn enough to want to do things for myself.  So, if I ask for help, understand it is because I really need the help and it took a lot for me to ask.  But, if you can't help with my need, please say so, I will understand and go to plan "B".

In all this rambling, what I want to say more than anything, is that no matter how I am feeling, I will trust in Thee.  I want to live my life in such a way that God's light will shine through, even in the midst of my darkest days.  I realize that I cannot do this on my own, and to think that the fact that I am getting through these days is because of anything I have done is vanity on my part.  My prayer is that God will lead me to the Rock that is higher than I, because without Him, I am nothing and can do nothing.  To know that no matter what I am facing, or how I am feeling that I can rest in the shelter of His wings brings me a comfort I cannot describe and that peace that truly passes all understanding.  I pray that somehow, you will find comfort in these feeble words of mine or at least a glimpse into my new reality.  

Not Separated Since Birth

Not Separated Since Birth

I AM STILL ME

March 7, 2016 rocked my world and changed my life forever.  For the past 39 years I have been a part of an "us".  Now, after David's passing, there is just me.  There is no way to prepare for that, and since it occurred so unexpectedly, I feel as if I've been ripped in half, but I am still me.  There was "us" almost twice as long as there was just me.  Daughter, sister, wife, mother, grandmother, but no longer a wife.  Does that change who I am?  Single, widow, alone.  New labels, but do they change my identity?  No they do not.  My true identity is found in Christ.  

       "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no loner I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me"  Galatians 2:20

All other identifiers are temporary, only my identity as a child of God is eternal.

When I got married, I changed from being single to being married, but it didn't change who I was.  When I became a mother and a grandmother, my roles changed, but not the essence of me.  Becoming a widow means I am single again, but I am still me.  Widow, single again, alone.  Those are all such sad words and they change the way people look at you and treat you.  I went into the bank the other day to have David's name removed from the bank account and the banker greeted me warmly and asked how I was and what could she do for me.  But, her entire demeanor changed when I explained why I was there.  The pity started to pour forth.  I thanked her for her condolences and told her I was doing ok and that God's grace was seeing me through.  It was as if she couldn't quit asking me questions, from how did it happen, had he been sick, to did I need help with estate planning.  Sometimes I think if one more person asks me how did it happen, was he sick, etc., I might scream.  It seems as if I have repeated the story so many times that I think I have become numb to it.  But, then there was that still, small voice.  "Tell your story.  Tell My story."  Because Christ is in me, His story is my story and my story is a part of His story.  So as I shared my story of God's grace, goodness and mercy over the past 6 weeks, she became engrossed in my story.  She ended up saying, "Wow, you came in here to take care of some business and I have been so blessed by getting to speak with you."  She then said, "I don't know if I could go through what you are going through with such strength, but you know, I guess I could because we serve the same God."

So, even though my label has changed from wife to widow, married to single, together to alone, please don't pity me.  Love me, be patient with me, offer comfort when I am down, but don't pity me. People are placed in our lives to fill different roles and spaces, but they don't define us, who we are.  I still love to take pictures, take walks in the park, brag about my boys and grand kids, watch sappy Hallmark movies, listen to Christian music and eat chocolate (and not necessarily in that order!).  I am still me, I just no longer get to share those things with the other half of me.  BUT, I have a heavenly Father who loves me with an unfailing love.  He is a good, good Father who loves me and that is who I am.