I Am God's Miracle      

               

It has been a while since I have written a post.  But for the past week or so it has been on my heart to share my story.  This time last year, I was in the hospital with covid pneumonia.  I started getting sick around February 1, 2022 and went to the doctor.  She felt as did I that I was at the peak of my illness and prescribed antibiotics for what appeared to be a sinus infection setting up and possible bronchitis.  To make a long story short, I was allergic to the antibiotics prescribed.  It felt as if my stomach was being eaten from the inside out.  I could not eat or drink and eventually wasn't able to hold anything down.  My body became so depleted that on February 12, 2022, I told Michael I needed to go to the hospital because I couldn't stop coughing, couldn't breath very well and my stomach was killing me, literally I felt.

We went to my local hospital which is a very small community hospital, but I had prayed and believed that was where I needed to go.  They admitted me because my oxygen saturation was too low and could not be sustained on its own.  Because I tested positive for covid, I was not allowed any visitors.  Because it is a small hospital, the patient rooms are at ground level and the boys could come visit outside the window in my room and we would talk on the phone.  It wasn't the same as being with them, but it was better than not seeing them at all.

The doctors were awesome and respected my wishes of not being intubated, no matter what.  One doctor later told me that they had found that intubation works for many things, but seemed to make covid pneumonia worse.  Needless to say, I did not need to get any worse.  I had pneumonia in both lungs.  Not only was I hospitalized, but my mom was in a different hospital with covid.  It was killing me not to be able to be there for her, but I realized for once, I had to focus on getting better myself.  

The hospital staff kept telling me that I did not present as a typical covid patient and looked great, we were just having trouble keeping my oxygen stable.  On 2/14/22 I had a terrible headache that I couldn't shake.  I remember at one point that night praying and asking God to take my headache away.  I acknowledged that He must know how much it hurt because He shed drops of blood for me when Jesus prayed in the garden before He was crucified.  At some point that night my headache subsided and I was able to sleep.

The next day, however, they told me I was not getting better.  They scanned me for blood clots and found none.  They increased my oxygen and at some point that afternoon they put on a high flow oxygen mask.  The best way I can describe it is imagine standing in front of a very high powered fan.  The air is blowing in your face so strongly that you can't catch your breath.  That is how I remember feeling.  I kept telling them I couldn't breathe and I wasn't going to be able to sleep with that air blowing so hard.  In retrospect, it was probably the effects of not getting enough oxygen in my lungs, because they kept telling me I was breathing and just to try to calm down.  At some point that night, I woke up out of a restless fog and my bed was surrounded by nurses and doctors doing an EKG and bloodwork and all kinds of things.  One nurse in particular, Heather, was so sweet and calming.  She explained that one of my blood tests was just a little off and they were doing some additional tests.  She told me to imagine in my mind that I was redecorating her house and to focus on that.  

After a while, I was alone again and I remember so vividly what happened next.  In my mind there was a button on the wall and if it turned to a certain number, I knew I was in trouble.  I remember playing a song on my phone, "I Speak Jesus."  And I prayed.  I said, "God, it hurts to breathe.  And I know that you know exactly how it feels, because you suffocated when you were crucified on the cross for me.  I am asking you now to breathe for me, because I don't think I can."  And ya'll, in my mind, I saw finger like veins spreading through my lungs, filling up with blood.  As the tears ran down my face, I felt such a peace and calm.  I was able to sleep at some point.  I remember the nurse coming in and taking the high flow mask off and just putting the regular oxygen cannula in place.  I remember eating breakfast, and I remember the doctor coming in.

We had a habit when he did his rounds of calling Joseph and putting it on speaker phone so the doctor could give Joseph a report on how I was doing.  He had learned it was easier that way than for the boys blowing his phone up asking how I was.  Anyway, he came in and said, "Can you get Joseph on the phone?"  I did and when he answered, the doctor leaned on my hospital table, put his head in his hand and said, "Joseph, you mom has made the most remarkable recovery in the past 6-8 hours that I have ever seen.  I am humble enough to say that there was nothing that I and my white coat did.  This was a miracle of God."

What I did not know and did not find out until I came home several days later was that the staff had spoken with Joseph that night and told him they didn't know if I was going to make it.  They were close to calling the family in to come say good bye to me.  Joseph had people all around the world praying for me.  Michael, Brian and the whole family had been praying.  God heard and answered our prayers.  I cannot tell you the blessings I received while in the hospital.  Hearing from all three of my boys the prayers they were praying and giving the situation over to God, knowing His will would be best.  

It has taken me a year to get back to where I was, but it has been a journey.  I came home on February 22, 2022 and my mom went home to heaven March 23, 2022.  Baby Charlotte was born October 8, 2022 and I broke my leg the Sunday before Thanksgiving.  There has been a whole lot of living done in the past year, some good and some were a bit of a struggle.  But the fact is, I lived.  God lives in me and I try to let Him live through me, although sometimes I get in the way and try to do it on my own.

It is hard to believe a year has passed and even harder to believe that March 7, 2023 will be seven years since David passed.  I could not have survived without God.  I know that with every fiber of my being.  I don't know what He has planned for me, but I know He has a plan.  I just need to continue trusting Him and know that it is for my good.  I told Him I want to live for Him and will share my story with whoever will listen.  Through a set of circumstances that can only be credited to God, I am now facilitating my second 13 week group sessions of GriefShare at our church.  I pray that He will use me to bring His comfort and healing to those who are hurting.  

I will extol, you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me.  O Lord, my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me.  O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.  Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name.  For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime.  Weeping may endure for the night, but JOY come in the morning.  Psalm 30:1-5

And, oh how I Thank GOD for my mornings!  

Thank you all for your prayers for me and my family.  You are truly a blessing.

The Goodness of God

    Four years ago we said good-bye.  Four years ago our hearts were broken.  Today, God is still performing a healing that I am ever so grateful for.  We still miss you and some days it is hard to believe you are not here.  But, you will forever be in our hearts.  This Sunday, our choir is singing a most appropriate song called "The Goodness of God."  Some of the lyrics are:

             "I love you, Lord for Your mercy never failed me

             All my days, I've been held in Your hands.

             From the moment that I wake up until I lay my head

             Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God.

             I love Your voice You have led me through the fire

             And in the darkest night You are close like no other

             I've known You as a Father, I've known You as a friend

             And I have lived in the goodness of God.

             All my life You have been faithful

             All my life You have been so, so good

             With every breath that I am able

             Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God."

    Even in the darkest night, I can say that God has been so, so good.  Without Him, I do not know how we would have been able to get through, but He is faithful.  Psalm 91:1-2 says:

             Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

             This I declare about the Lord:  He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

             He is my God, and I trust Him.

     So, even when I am missing you, even when I am lonely, I know I can trust God to fill those empty spots with His love and mercy.  I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life.  I am so thankful for how you encouraged me to find my voice and be independent.  It's as if you knew that one day, I would not have you around.  But, you will forever be in my heart.  And God will always be my good, good Father.

Gone But Not Forgotten

I woke up at around 2:30 this morning and realized that exactly three years ago at this time, I discovered you had gone. It still feels unreal, but it isn’t. My life changed forever in an instant. But, because of God’s grace and mercy, I have survived. I still occasionally listen to the two voicemails from you I have on my phone just to hear your voice. I see old pictures and smile as I remember.  The tears don’t come as often or as quick as they used to, but the emptiness is still there.

God has blessed me with the opportunity to spend a lot of time with the boys.  So many times I see you in them and it brings me comfort. Joseph certainly has your love for Southern Rock and the songs he grew up listening to you play on the radio and with your band buddies in the basement. Much of his iTunes is filled with those very songs. Michael has your talent for building and is using your tools in his new career in building houses. Like you, he sees it in his head and figures out how to make it with his hands. Brian definitely has your quick wit, sense of humor and thirst for knowledge. He and I have conversations that remind me of ones we used to have. And they all three do all they can to look after me and love me just the way you taught them to.

So even though you are gone, you are never forgotten. You built such an amazing legacy that will forever live on through the boys and their children.  As I reflect on our lives together, I realize  God certainly knew what He was doing when He brought you into my life 42 years ago. I am thankful for the time we had together and the life we shared, the good times and the hard times. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know you will forever be in my heart. These are the words I would say if you were here.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  II Corinthians 1:3-4

The Price of Love

It is so hard to believe that two years ago today, you went away.  So much has changed.  I have been a widow, single, unmarried for two years.  Two months ago, I sold our home.  I have been without my "stuff" for two months.  I have been without my dad for almost five months.  I have been without you for what seems a lifetime.   God has been so faithful through all the changes.  Our boys have been so incredibly thoughtful and loving.  I could never have made it without their love and support.  You taught them well, and for that I will forever be grateful.  

There have been many restless nights and many endless days.  But I must say, God has never forsaken me.  I cling to Him in all my times of distress.  I thank Him for allowing you to be a part of my life for nearly 40 years and for giving us three amazing sons.  I thank Him for the grief, because that grief is only there because there was a great love.  Even in the midst of the hard days, there was love.  And I am thankful for that and will forever mourn that it ended way too soon.  We promised to love each other all the days of our lives.  I loved you until the last day of yours, and love you still.

One of my favorite passages of scriptures that gives me great peace is Psalm 30

I will extol you, o Lord, for You have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me.

O Lord, my God, I cried to You for help, and You have healed me.

O, Lord, You have brought up my soul from Sheol; You restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.

Sing praises to the Lord, o you, His saints, and give thanks to His holy name.

For His anger is but for a moment, and His favor is for a lifetime.  Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

As for me, I said in my prosperity, "I shall never be moved."

By Your favor, o Lord, You made my mountain stand strong; You hid Your face; I was dismayed.

To You, o Lord, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy:

What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit?  Will the dust praise You?  Will it tell of Your faithfulness?

Hear, o Lord and be merciful to me!  O Lord, be my helper!

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,

that my glory may sing Your praise and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever!

My prayer is that I will continue to give thanks to God forever, for He is good.  He is my rock and my salvation.  It is only through His love and steadfast faithfulness that I have been able to get through the last two years.  It is only because of Him that my mourning is turning to dancing,  It is because of Him that I can have joy in the morning.  

My prayer for you is that if you don't know Him, you will seek Him and His love.

In His love,

Pam

I Got Lost and Found Home

After much prayer and consideration, I have decided to sell my home.  For the past thirteen years, this place has been my safe haven, my refuge.  God led me to this house and worked out unbelievable circumstances to allow us to buy my dream house.  We saw one son move to the other side of the world a single young man and return with his bride.  We sent another son to Virginia to school and he remains there still.  The third son finished college, moved out got married and moved to Florida.  We have welcomed new life into this house when Makaila was born and said good-bye to a life when David went home to be with the Lord.  We've welcomed visitors from around the world and of all ages.  We celebrated holidays and birthdays here.  We had many good days, and some not so good.  But through all of the days, God has been faithful.

Now in a way that cannot be explained in any other way than God's leading, I have found a new place to call home.  Over the past few months there has been a stirring in my life that led me to dream a new dream.  I had never even considered the possibility of a change this drastic.  Since David's passing, I have spent much blood, sweat and tears (along with help from my boys and others) fixing and updating things that needed it.  And just when I got everything nearly like I want, God tells me it's time to sell it and move.  At first I wasn't sure at all that I could make this work, but with the boy's encouragement and nudging, I decided to take the leap of faith and put my home on the market.

So, where am I going, you may ask?  Well that is the miracle of miracles.  God has worked out an amazing set of circumstances that has made it possible for me to be a land owner with the ability to build a new house of my dreams.  There were many steps that had to fall into place and each one occurred at just the perfect time.  So with Detective York (Joseph) on the case in Thailand, the land search began.  He would send me messages about property for sale that I should preview before I got my realtor to schedule an appointment.  One evening, he sent a message about a possible property and we were looking at it online.  We decided I would ride out the next day to look at it.  He was trying to tell me the best way to go while I was looking it up on Google Maps.  I kept telling him Siri was telling me a different way to go, but he said the way he was telling me was the best route.  

Of course, after a night's sleep, that memory was no longer in the memory bank so I did what any normal person would do, I asked Siri how to get there.  Joseph had told me to FaceTime with him when I arrived so he could look at the property.  It was an incredibly beautiful morning with North Carolina blue beach skies containing fluffy, white clouds.  With praise music playing, Siri and I went for our drive.  After many turns, many seeming to go back and forth in the same direction, I ended up at a dead end and Siri announced "You have arrived at your destination."  I actually said out loud, what destination?  I am at a dead end with no property in sight.  I connected with Joseph in Thailand and promptly told him that I was lost and had no idea where I was or how to get where I was supposed to be going.  He asked if I had followed his directions, and I had to admit I forgot what he said so I went where Siri told me to go.  He immediately pulled up the map and told me to turn around and was about to give me the correct directions.  As I turned around I told him that I had seen a for sale sign as I drove to this dead end and I wasn't for sure if there was a house on the property but perhaps he could check it out.  He asked me to pull in, tell him the address and let him look it up.

In what seemed like just a few seconds, he asked for the phone number on the sign and told me to stay where I was that he was going to call the number and get some more information.  So, there I sat in the driveway praying no one would walk up on me with a shotgun.  After what seemed like an eternity, he called back and told me the property was vacant and I could go walk it.  I told him the gate was locked and he said the real estate agent said I could crawl under it.  So with Joseph on FaceTime in Thailand, I locked the car, crawled under the gate and started walking up the drive.  The farther I walked, the more emotional I became.  I remember telling him that I thought I might cry.  I was looking at a beautiful rolling pastureland before me and had chills running through me.  I knew in my heart of hearts that I was home.  And God again worked as only He could to allow the purchase of my new home.

"The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything.  And He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward Him and find Him."  Acts 17:24-27 ESV.

I do not know when I will start the building process, but God does.  My prayer is for the family that will find their new home in this place I have called home for so long.  I know that He will lead them to find it, just as He led me all those years ago and as he has led me to my new boundaries.  Following God where He leads can be scary and more often than not requires you to step out of your comfort zone.  And to know that He has already determined our allotted times and boundaries of our dwelling places is so exciting because even though I have no idea how it is all going to work out, I know He does.  I told Brian today that I feel an excitement stirring in my soul, a new life with a new dream is beginning to awaken within me.  This amazing journey of life God is leading me on is one I could never have imagined.  And just think, if I hadn't got lost, I wouldn't have found home.  Isn't God good?  Even when you think things are going the wrong way, He shows you His best in the midst of what you believe to be your worst.  

May God richly bless you all in your journey.  I pray that if you haven't found Him that you will seek Him, for He is there.

In His love,

Pam

SUPERMAN

My dad has an uncurable disease.  It has a name, myelodysplastic syndrome, or MDS.  He was diagnosed in March.  It is a bone marrow disease in which the bone marrow does not make enough or healthy blood cells. Since the end of March he has had 8 blood transfusions.  His health has continued to deteriorate and the realization of his situation is beginning to become a reality.  This is not a post for pity, but a post to educate people, to let people know about my daddy and who he is to me and so many others.

Ever since I can remember, people have said I have my dad wrapped around my little finger.  He may not have been the most eloquent with his words or demonstrative in his affection, but I have never doubted his love and care for me.  He has always done his best to give all of us what we needed and most of what we wanted.  He worked hard to provide for his family and being unable to do the things he has been used to doing has been hard for him to accept.  He is not perfect by any means, but no one can deny the fact that he has worked hard all his life.  He has been a proud man and this debilitating disease has taken a huge toll on him and those of us close to him.

After experiencing the sudden death of my husband, David almost 17 months ago, I can say watching my dad's health decline is harder than going through the sudden loss of my soulmate.  When you deal with the long term illness of a loved one, it takes a toll on you mentally and physically.  Seeing someone who has always taken pride in his appearance suddenly have no care for his incontinence is a very difficult thing to deal with.  and is heartbreaking, to say the least.  Having to try to explain to your father that there is no cure for this illness while trying to remain positive is a challenge.  Trying to keep his spirits up while not showing impatience is sometimes nearly impossible.  Trying to encourage him to be kind when he feels angry and anxiety ridden is incredibley hard.  Trying to parent your ailing parent while trying to maintain his dignity is beyond imagination.

So, I find myself crying out to God, and the words are not there.  My heart cries and I know God hears and understands.  He understands that if I ask for healing of this disease, dad will still be trapped in his failing mind.  I know and believe that God can heal all of dad's illnesses if He so wills, but I also know that perfect healing will only come when dad gets to heaven, for none of us have perfect bodies here on earth.  I know that God understands my heartbreak in watching the suffering of dad and my mom as she goes through this with him.  I know that God hears and understands my dad's confusion and anxiety.  So I pray for peace during this time and that God will be with all who are caring for dad in these days.  I pray that we will all have a spirit of compassion and understanding for all he is going through.

Even in all this suffering, I still choose to Praise the Lord!  Psalm 146 says:
   

    Let all that I am praise the Lord.

I will praise the Lord as long as I live.

I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath.

Don't put your confidence in powerful people;

there is no help for you there.

When they breathe their last, they return to earth,

and all their plans die with them.

But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper,

whose hope is in the Lord their God.

He made heaven and earth,

the sea, and everything in them.

He keeps every promise forever.

He gives justice to the oppressed and food to the hungry.

The Lord frees the prisoners. 

The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.

The Lord lifts up those who are weighted down.

The Lord loves the godly.

The Lord protects the foreigners among us.

He cares for the orphans and widows, 

but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.

The Lord will reign forever.

He will be your God, O Jerusalem,

throughout the generations.

Praise the Lord!

Knowing that God lifts up those who are weighted down gives me such hope.  I know that when I am feeling low and weighted down by the cares of this world, He will lift me up if I turn to Him.  And His word tells me here that He cares for the widows.  So, even when I feel alone and scared and unsure, I can praise Him, because He cares for me.

So in these jumbled up, confusing words of mine, I pray you have a picture of not only the kind of dad my dad is but also a picture of the kind of Abba Father my Heavenly Father is.  He is a good, good Father and He loves us beyond measure.  Please continue to pray for my dad and our family as we continue this journey and that through it all we will continue to Praise the Lord.

In His Love,

Pam

Even If

I am sure many of you have had many "Even If" crossroads in your life. I know I have.  Some may wonder what is an "Even If" moment?  Well, for me it's like a crossroad in life when you have asked God to deliver you from something and you have to decide how you will respond if God chooses not to answer in the way you want.

God, I need a job, but even if...
God, my kids need new shoes, but even if...
God, we are about to lose our house, help us save it, but even if...
God, take this illness from my husband, but even if...
God, protect my children and grandchildren and keep them safe, but even if...

Even if what?  Even if you don't I will still praise You..

Daniel chapter 3 tells the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. King Nebuchadnezzar had ordered everyone to bow down and worship the golden idol he had set up.  If they failed to obey, they would be thrown into a fiery furnace. Well the three young men believed in the One True God and refused to worship the golden idol.  When the king found out about the three young Hebrew men's refusal to obey his order he had them brought to him.  They had served him well and he wanted to make sure they understood the order before he punished them.

      "Nebuchadnezzar asked them, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, is it true that you don’t serve my gods or worship the gold statue I have set up? Now if you’re ready, when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, drum, and every kind of music, fall down and worship the statue I made. But if you don’t worship it, you will immediately be thrown into a furnace of blazing fire — and who is the god who can rescue you from my power?”
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied to the king, “Nebuchadnezzar, we don’t need to give you an answer to this question. If the God we serve exists, then He can rescue us from the furnace of blazing fire, and He can rescue us from the power of you, the king. But even if He does not rescue us, we want you as king to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.”"  Daniel 3:14-18

Those three young men had all faith in God that He would deliver them.  But even if He chose not to, they would not bow down to the golden idol. They would continue to serve and worship the One True God no matter what.  God has not always answered my prayers the way I wanted Him to but I had to make a conscious decision that even if things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, I would still worship Him.

There is a song that Mercy Me sings called "Even If".  The song spoke so clearly to me the first time I heard it. The chorus says:

      I know You're able and I know You can
      Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
      But even if You don't
      My hope is You alone
      I know the sorrow and I know the hurt
      Would all go away if You'd just say the word
      But even if You don't
      My hope is You alone.

      You've been faithful, You've been good
       All of my days
      Jesus, I will cling to You
      Come what may
      'Cause I know You're able
      I know you can...

Some days the sorrow and hurt of loss and loneliness sneak up and try to overwhelm me.  But every time I put my focus on Him, listen to praise and worship music, read His word, I am comforted.  He knows what is best for my life, and I will continue to trust Him, even when it isn't easy.  I have learned over the years when I get in the way and try to do things my way and in my time, they usually
get messed up.  So my prayers will continue to be, Even if...

In His Love,

Pam