Ever since I can remember, people have said I have my dad wrapped around my little finger. He may not have been the most eloquent with his words or demonstrative in his affection, but I have never doubted his love and care for me. He has always done his best to give all of us what we needed and most of what we wanted. He worked hard to provide for his family and being unable to do the things he has been used to doing has been hard for him to accept. He is not perfect by any means, but no one can deny the fact that he has worked hard all his life. He has been a proud man and this debilitating disease has taken a huge toll on him and those of us close to him.
After experiencing the sudden death of my husband, David almost 17 months ago, I can say watching my dad's health decline is harder than going through the sudden loss of my soulmate. When you deal with the long term illness of a loved one, it takes a toll on you mentally and physically. Seeing someone who has always taken pride in his appearance suddenly have no care for his incontinence is a very difficult thing to deal with. and is heartbreaking, to say the least. Having to try to explain to your father that there is no cure for this illness while trying to remain positive is a challenge. Trying to keep his spirits up while not showing impatience is sometimes nearly impossible. Trying to encourage him to be kind when he feels angry and anxiety ridden is incredibley hard. Trying to parent your ailing parent while trying to maintain his dignity is beyond imagination.
So, I find myself crying out to God, and the words are not there. My heart cries and I know God hears and understands. He understands that if I ask for healing of this disease, dad will still be trapped in his failing mind. I know and believe that God can heal all of dad's illnesses if He so wills, but I also know that perfect healing will only come when dad gets to heaven, for none of us have perfect bodies here on earth. I know that God understands my heartbreak in watching the suffering of dad and my mom as she goes through this with him. I know that God hears and understands my dad's confusion and anxiety. So I pray for peace during this time and that God will be with all who are caring for dad in these days. I pray that we will all have a spirit of compassion and understanding for all he is going through.
Even in all this suffering, I still choose to Praise the Lord! Psalm 146 says:
Let all that I am praise the Lord.
I will praise the Lord as long as I live.
I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath.
Don't put your confidence in powerful people;
there is no help for you there.
When they breathe their last, they return to earth,
and all their plans die with them.
But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper,
whose hope is in the Lord their God.
He made heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them.
He keeps every promise forever.
He gives justice to the oppressed and food to the hungry.
The Lord frees the prisoners.
The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.
The Lord lifts up those who are weighted down.
The Lord loves the godly.
The Lord protects the foreigners among us.
He cares for the orphans and widows,
but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.
The Lord will reign forever.
He will be your God, O Jerusalem,
throughout the generations.
Praise the Lord!
Knowing that God lifts up those who are weighted down gives me such hope. I know that when I am feeling low and weighted down by the cares of this world, He will lift me up if I turn to Him. And His word tells me here that He cares for the widows. So, even when I feel alone and scared and unsure, I can praise Him, because He cares for me.
So in these jumbled up, confusing words of mine, I pray you have a picture of not only the kind of dad my dad is but also a picture of the kind of Abba Father my Heavenly Father is. He is a good, good Father and He loves us beyond measure. Please continue to pray for my dad and our family as we continue this journey and that through it all we will continue to Praise the Lord.
In His Love,
Pam
